“Two Hands” (A Men’s Anthem, First Draft)
Verse 1
We were great, we were extreme,
Cancún sunsets, living the dream,
Every holiday was tops,
Thought the honeymoon would never stop.
But I never thought it’d settle down,
To your lawyer and my dressing gown.
Pre-Chorus
Your mother’s on the line, your sister’s on the phone,
Then I looked down and remembered: I got two hands of my own...
Chorus
I can wank one off myself,
Twice a day, it’s good for health,
Once right after lunch, oh yeah,
Bathroom stall, it’s free, no one has to share.
I can bang a hooker and still keep my house,
Wank one off, no alimony out,
Keep my head up, no child support,
Yeah, my right hand never dragged me into court.
Verse 2
Met a broker at a lunch downtown,
Thumping on his chest, humming that sound,
Said, “The market? It’s a fugazi, kid,
Fairy dust, it don’t exist.”
Cocaine and hookers, that’s his diet plan.
But the one tip I kept was “Help yourself, man.”
Pre-Chorus
Feed the gheist, stay in balance, keep the numbers right,
Don’t need a ring, a prenup, or a candlelit night...
Chorus
I can wank one off myself,
Twice a day, it’s good for health,
Once right after lunch, oh yeah,
Bathroom stall, it’s free, no one has to share.
I can bang a hooker and still keep my house,
Wank one off, no alimony out,
Keep my head up, no child support,
Yeah, my right hand never dragged me into court.
Bridge (chest-thump hum, low)
Mmm-mm, mmm-mm,
Ain’t no settlement, ain’t no fee,
Mmm-mm, mmm-mm,
Just me, myself, and the lock on the door, baby.
Final Chorus (big key change, Weird Al energy)
I can wank one off myself...
(repeat, end on a long held “cooouuurt”)